I've coasted through life since the day I was born. Cruisey has been my middle name, and possibly also my first and last names to boot. I've had my laid back ways both admired and scorned by those who know me best, but let me tell you that after a while coasting along isn't enough. I'm 30 years old and I'm only just starting to put together a road map of what I want out of life. Not so long ago I got so scared of committing and settling down I ran away from the woman I'd loved for five years and hid in another country where they can't say words like 'duvet' or 'cheese toastie'.
Annika is an incredible woman. She lives daily with a mental illness that would have destroyed me long ago. Her depression and anxiety gets so crippling sometimes that she cuts her own wrists just to shut up her brain long enough to stay alive and maybe sleep without horrendous nightmares. Without really thinking about what it would mean, I went to live with her and her wonderful family in Redland Bay and promptly tried to forget what I was running away from.
I loved Annika and she loved me, so that would be enough to get us through her PTSD and not working and everything else, right?
Well about two weeks ago the illusion finally cracked. Annika's panic disorder started to focus on money issues and the fact that we had very different outlooks on life, and the fact that her cutting freaked me the fuck out. I desperately wanted to make things better and tried harder, in a not really trying harder kind of way, to find work but my heart wasn't really in it. Because as much as I genuinely loved Annika, and still do, I'd come to Australia for the wrong reasons. I'd left Annah for the wrong reasons, gone to Wellington for the wrong reasons and finally left the country for the wrong reasons and now it was finally catching up with me.
Sooo. The upshot of this is. I've hurt two girls that I never deserved in the space of 4 months. It's taken me this long to grow up and start realizing that my life is my own and I don't have to coast along with my friends and go where they go. I'm heading back to Palmy for a while. I'm going to either do my Masters degree or find work, but either way Wellington has lost its appeal for the time being. I'm leaving Annika, and it's breaking my heart because I honestly don't know if she'll cope being by herself but I can't get my own head straight and help her at the same time.
Meanwhile Annah has a new boyfriend and I don't even know where to begin making things up with her, even as friends. She told me a while back that she forgave me, and that I just need to forgive myself.
I guess that's the hard part.
