Pie in a can

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the canned pie. 

So unassumingly innocent at first glance.

The wife found this at one of our fortnightly grocery extravaganzas, and while initially I balked at the idea of shelling out $8.50 for what would surely be eldritch horror in a can, she finally convinced me that you can't put a price on silly blog posts. 

Aaaaaahahahaha "quality guarantee" 

Liberate tutume ex crusto! 

The weekend rolled around, the stars were in alignment and my bowels were steady, I knew it was time to pry this bad boy open. Applying our deluxe tupperware can opener to the task, I was immediately greeted by mostly generic pie smell, with subtle undercurrents of something chemical. The pastry on the top was uncooked as I expected, slightly slimy and the unknowable contents beneath had leaked out to form a shallow pool around the edges, giving the impression that the top of the pie was about to capsize into a bottomless sea of toxic brown sludge. DELISH. 

I dutifully followed the instructions, preheating our unsuspecting oven to 230 degrees and sealing off the kitchen with salt wards against evil spirits. 

Woah that looks like quite a nice...

...wait never mind.

After checking the pie once and turning it around, since our cheapy flat oven gets a bit hotter in the back than in the front, it came out looking pretty spectacular! For about 30 seconds. And then it deflated quite ominously, lurking in the bottom of the can with an aura of quiet menace. 

Naturally at this point I had to try some. 

The things I do for you people.

Liquefaction

This is what the pie looked like on the plate and left over in the can. I swear I didn't set out to make it look this disgusting. The meat had the consistency and smell of dog food soup. While sausages are renown for using lips and organs, I would suggest that cows harbour other, even less savoury interior objects that were harvested under a dark sky for this malignant pastry. They wobbled and glistened on the plate. I cried a little.

A MOUTHFUL OF DELIGHT.

Here is my face after taking a forkful.  It tasted like how it looked. I think that's all I'm going to say about that.

I kid. Seriously it was absolutely disgusting. I've had bad pies before, but this was spongy. The chemical smell was present on the tastebuds, though I only noticed after I managed to swallow the slimy mess down. The meat was the dead cow's revenge against a cruel and uncaring world. The pastry was clearly made by someone who hated joy.

Accidental mushroom

The best thing about this pie? They called it beef and mushroom. Above, after extensive and exhaustive forensic dissection, are the only two mushroom pieces I could find through the whole swampy mess. It's not even two whole mushrooms. Possibly they just fell in by accident and somebody renamed the pie as an afterthought. 

One mouthful was enough. I flushed the rest of the pie down the toilet. We briefly considered taking a photo of the pie remains in the loo before they were consigned to watery oblivion, but some things are too disgusting to deliberately inflict on friends. So instead I leave you with me enjoying the shit out a well deserved bacon sandwich. 

Awwwwww yeah

Best bacon sammich I've ever had.

Bon appetit.